Encouragements

This blog would have originally been published in May of 2014. For reasons I can't quite recall - perhaps because it was too personal - it never was, but the reading it now there are things it says which speak to me even six years later, so I publish it now as an artefact, as a memory, as a lesson.

Today marks two weeks since we debuted the Aberdeen Passion 2014 and began an unforgettable and intense two day experience of God's goodness, mercy and love as a diverse family of actors, singers, musicians and production crew. It has been a long two weeks.

Never before, to my recollection, have I experienced such a dramatic shift between an ecstatic high and a melancholic low. I went from the certain, emboldening, relational and joyous experience of God's Kingdom life, to being uncertain, afraid, lonely and sad and as each low day dragged into the next I realised that it wasn't really passing, certainly not in the way I had expected it to.

I was anxious much of the time, desperate to make human connections, especially with those who had had the same great experience and might be feeling something similar. I stayed glued to Facebook, feeding off the short-lived excitement of another comment or like, another photo posted. In between, especially in work, I would be hit by waves of apathy or despair. I relived moments from the play, both on stage and off, and mourned the fact that I was back in the real world, no longer doing something I loved with people I felt a connection to.

I cried. A lot. And a lot more than anyone knew.

And in the midst of this I knew God was with me. At first it was in the kind words of those who saw the Passion and wanted to thank us for our part in it. To a certain extent this was only to be expected, but people were so generous with their praise, it was more than I had truly anticipated.

Then it was in the way that, whilst I was worrying about leading services in my home church - and particularly praying in front of the congregation (something I've spoken about at length) - I had a couple of people telling me how much they enjoyed my prayers (specifically) and found them helpful, something even more have done since I actually led those services last weekend.

And there have been other encouragements too. In a week in which I had, in my desperation to connect, flaunted myself on social media, I never received anything but kind words. The song lyrics I had stuck in my head from the Passion turned out to contain the exact reminders I needed before leading services on Sunday. The sermon that evening was on Hope and Suffering and how, as Christians, we can and should live authentic lives where we do not lie about how we feel (part of the inspiration for this blog). This month's minister's letter was just a long list of encouraging verses. I've had specific verses (Jeremiah 29:11 foremost amongst them) lodged in my head since this began and my bible reading notes have led me through the end of the exodus, reminding me of God's faithfulness and his good plans for us.

I have been surrounded by blessings, from the weather this morning to the smiles on my family's faces when I come home each day. I have fewer reasons to doubt God is with me and on my side than ever before.

And yet I have railed at Him and questioned him. I have called Him cruel and hard. I have tried to cling to Him as to a rock in a storm and, because I was still getting wet, have doubted Him. I have been vain and selfish and inconsiderate of the pain of others. I have been a very poor witness.

These two realities have run alongside each other, each with a claim on me, but one has weakened with time, whilst the other has seemed to strengthen as I have paid it more attention.

I've used the past tense so far, but the truth it is it not yet over. I am still riding a low point, if not as bad a before. I am still prone to bouts of anxiety, or melancholy. I still have moments when I just want to cry. The waves of despair have mostly passed, but they left behind the flotsam dredged from the depths of my own personal abyss. I have always been susceptible to times of mild depression and anxiety is no stranger. These are facets of who I am, of the chemistry of my brain and they will not go away so easily. The aftermath of the Passion had unsettled the balance and I have to deal with that. The point here, however, is that I do not have to do so alone. God has remained by my side throughout, patiently waiting for me to turn to Him, to cry out, even to shout at Him, so that He can put His and around me.

The encouragement is that, far from being distant in our suffering, God is right there with us. And that helps. It is not a miracle cure. Though I belive such is possible, our witness is sometimes the greater in the long term because we've faced pain with God, rather than avoiding it through him, and so we carry on and cling to the one beside us.