So, Scotland has decided.
My fears were unwarranted and the majority chose to vote No and the United Kingdom I call my home will continue to be united, for a while longer at least. The sense of relief this gave me on Friday morning was greater than I had anticipated, feeling remarkably like a weight lifted from around my shoulders (I guess that's a cliché for a reason) and then leaving me with the overwhelming sense of exhaustion one usually gets after long periods of anxiety.
Consequently, work on Friday was slow, but it lacked the horrible sense of tension which had accompanied the weeks beforehand and so, despite being tired, I was happy.
Then I began to read the statuses and comments from friends on Facebook who had voted the other way (if you're reading this, then you'll most likely know who you are) and my mood changed, I did not feel guilty - I genuinely believe I voted the right way and do not wish to change my mind at all - but I did feel sad.
It is genuine sorrow I feel for all those who I know and respect and, indeed, care for a great deal, who chose the opposite outcome from myself and were horribly disappointed. Even though that outcome would have been a nightmare for me, and one which would have left me deeply upset, I cannot respond to their emotional turmoil with smug happiness. I feel their pain even though it is for the loss of a dream I did not want to see come into reality. I feel their pain even though, in one tiny part, I helped bring it about. This is, in short, a bit of a mess.
And it has always been so, although especially in the last few months, weeks and days of the referendum campaign. Scotland was (and is), for all its pride in its new found democratic engagement, a deeply divided country. I felt this personally as I saw the very same Yes votes as in the paragraph above declaring their feelings about the hoped-for independence and found myself beginning to brim with suspicion, mistrust, dislike, even... even hatred.
I am not proud of this, of course, and nor did I act upon any of these upwellings of negative emotion, but neither can I deny that they existed, nor that they might reappear if similar circumstances were to arise once more.
I can even rationalise it quite a bit. Amidst the pre-referendum tension, Yes votes were looking forward, hopeful and optimistic and often vehemently passionate, towards a future for Scotland I did not feel I could have any part in, one which would, essentially, be expelling me from the country. And, even though that would be the result of my decision, not theirs, and even though that was not what they were actually voting for (and nor should it have been), that automatically made them a kind of enemy. When people you know and love, or even strangers on the streets or in the comments threads become the enemy for no other reason than that they have a yes badge on their lapel or in their profile picture, you know something deeply troubling is occurring
And of course I had to keep reminding myself that they were not the enemy, that they were just choosing the path they genuinely believed was right for themselves and their families, or Scotland, or both. They were given the same choice as I had been, and given the same information and the only difference was that they interpreted it all a different way and if we're all honest none of us knew for certain which interpretation was truly correct. We just had to make the best of it.
And crucially, to put a theological spin on all this (which is where I'm heading anyway, in case you were in any doubt) neither vote was a sin to cast, at least not that I can see. For those unfamiliar with the concept of sin, it is primarily defined as that which we do against God, our creator and the one who knows us best. Sin is a broken relationship, a rebellion and it usually has consequences for our own health and spiritual well-being, or that of those around us.
Neither Yes, nor No was a vote which said something about your relationship to God, to bring shame upon His name, or renounce Him in any way. Equally, neither Yes, nor No was designed to wilfully hurt another human being. Though I have read arguments to the contrary, I do not believe that a vote for Yes was driven by rebellion or hatred of the English, neither was a vote for No driven by selfishness and greed. I am sure that God is equally capable of using an independent Scotland for His glory as He is able to do so with the current United Kingdom. I do not know what His design in all this was, but since it was not made clear in anyway, we could not be wilfully going against it by voting either way.
So if voting Yes (or No) was not actually sinful, how can anyone justify the automatic enmity which holding the opposing view produced in myself and so very many others on either side of the divide? We can't, even though we may have felt genuinely under threat from the alternative viewpoint. That means that the enmity itself was the sin, but there's more to it than that, for we might ask how we could avoid sinning in this way in a world where people inevitably want different and opposing things without any of those things being sinful in themselves. It just seems terribly unfair.
And of course it is. That's because the sin is not just within ourselves, responding negatively to those we see as different, but in the world as a whole - the sum of all the sinful desires and temptations we all experience in our lives. It is sin in the world that creates the situations were we can want different things for the right reasons and put ourselves on opposite sides of the battle in doing so. It is sin which creates the thousands of differing beliefs we all hold to dearly, whether globally, or even within one religion or school of thought. It is sin which results in the greed and mismanagement of resources which force people to squabble over food, or oil or land. It is, of course, sin which creates democratic governments which do not function as advertised and cause inequality, deep divisions of political conscience and the desire to split.
What I am saying, then, is that it is sin which brought about this referendum. I do not, of course mean that the SNP were sinful in their desire to ensure the referendum took place, or that the desire within so many Scots for independence itself is sinful. No. I mean that it is sin which has brought us to this point, which has so tainted the history of the nations of the United Kingdom, so corrupted those who govern it and so embittered the hearts of many on all sides of the debate over the centuries that the referendum and the division it brought into sharp relief was completely inevitable.
For, of course, in a perfect world we wouldn't need national boundaries and separate governments to protect our identities and desires. In a perfect world the very thought of cutting ourselves off from each other in such a way would seem ludicrous. In a perfect world our diversity and differences would be so celebrated, so marvelled at, that we would never think it a cause for isolation, separation or relocation. In a perfect world there would be no need for ideas like nationalism or unionism, because they would be one and the same thing.
That is why I'm sad even though I got what I wanted. I'm sad that it had to come to this, that my friends should be upset by my happy turn of events.
But I am also joyful, because, whilst the world isn't perfect, I already have my true nationality, my true citizenship, in a place which is, and so do many of those friends. Whilst we might disagree on many things, including the details of our faith from time to time, we are united by the one who took sin upon Himself to save us from it and who will, one day, sweep all nations and their pretensions to glory out of the way, to make way for a true kingdom - not of some kind of ethnic purity, as some would see it, nor a dull place where everyone is the same and isn't allowed to think for themselves, but where the diversity that the King Himself created can be celebrated and enjoyed and can complement and balance and just work, in the way the world today never could, no matter how idealistic we might be in changing it, or how well-intentioned our efforts to prevent change.
So, I thank God that He has the solution to sin and sorrow and pray that he will comfort you and transform you in yours and that one day we might meet up as citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven and never be divided by our differences again.
